I sort of have a predicament. Even though it seems like everyone is listening to me, I don’t think I’m famous or anything except in certain circles. One of these circles is the media. The other is within the church. Just about every pastor knows who I am for some reason or another. So when I walk into churches, the leaders of the church always seem to recognize me. I’ve been to many of the churches in Las Vegas. When I go to these churches, it always seems to end up where I become their adversary. I’m not talking about being convicted of sin; I’m talking about where I become a true adversary in the minds of these people, and they show it. This happens despite the fact that I usually haven’t communicated or said anything to these people. So I’m at the point where I almost assume that I’m going to end up being the adversary when I walk into a church. And if the people in the congregation figure out who I am, it’s even more problematic. For this reason, I’m not really too motivated to go to any church right now. Don’t get me wrong, I love the church, and I have many good memories from being in church.

I do realize that these things may have arisen out of my own fault because of this reputation I have, but usually it all happens without me really talking or having any contact with any of these people. I feel like what’s going on is that these people have heard all about me due to gossip, and they’re listening to me through all the eavesdropping. Because of this, it’s like people are trying to micromanage me in a way. Discipleship doesn’t usually happen at a distance, but in my case I guess it does. I’m really living the Truman Show apparently.

None of this should really matter since my duty as a Christian is to be plugged into a church. It’s a matter of obedience to Christ. I don’t want to go to church and be suspicious of people, but I realize my reputation precedes me, and this causes me some amount of anxiety in church. So if you see me in church, I’m there by faith, and I’m struggling to keep it together. It’s just a matter of me trusting God over my fears. I don’t want to feel this way about church – to have this sense of foreboding- but I do. In any event, I just need to do it anyway, no matter what I feel.