I once read a story about a man who got saved and became a minister. But before he got saved, he was an alcoholic, a vile and angry alcoholic. He didn’t care who you were he would cuss you out at the drop of a hat. But he got saved and eventually found himself in ministry. As a result, he became very vocal in his opposition to many things. At first, people cheered him on, because it seemed that he was angry at the right things, but eventually the anger got out of control. What might have started as righteous anger eventually turned into hatred for his opponents–over-the-top hatred. Later, when recounting this story he said he realized that when he got saved he had just traded in his anger at the entire world to anger over other things in ministry. He told himself it was righteous anger but it wasn’t. The root of bitterness that he had in himself before he got saved never really went away. The hatred was still there, only the targets of his hatred had changed.

When I got saved I had a falling out with my father over my newfound faith. He was a Jehovah’s Witness and wouldn’t let me talk about my faith in the house. I developed a chip on my shoulder even though I was saved. Because of this anger, I created a wall between me and my father. I found it difficult to look my father in the eyes without feeling anger rising up in me. But one day something happened. God broke me and I learned what it meant to die to self. In my brokenness I was overwhelmed by God’s grace. I was so overwhelmed by God’s love for me that I found myself crying tears–tears of joy. It was cathartic for me, like a cleansing had come over me. I was able to forgive my father and once again talk to my father without the walls that once had separated us. I felt free–free from the anger and hate that had once consumed my heart.

I thought everything was fine and eventually God called me into ministry so I went off to a fundamentalist Christian university to prepare for it. However, the freedom from my anger was short-lived. I grew very disillusioned with the fundamentalist movement and bitterness crept into my soul. I found myself hating again. I traded anger over my father for anger over fundamentalists. It wasn’t righteous anger either even though I told myself it was.

Fast forward to today. Ever since I lost my privacy I’ve been somewhat angry–angry at the world in general. I don’t even know who I was angry with, I was just angry at everything. It seems like Satan will always present you with an abundance of opportunities to hate. This anger has eaten away at me. I even backslid and began living an immoral lifestyle. This continued up until recently when I repented.

So lately, I’ve been convicted about the prosperity gospel that I once dabbled in, and I feel a bit angry. I think much of it is indeed righteous anger, but now I fear I could easily fall into the exact same pattern–trading in my anger at the world for anger at the Word of Faith movement. I don’t feel like I hate these people at this point, I just hate what they are doing. But if I’m not careful I could easily slip back into same pattern of hatred. I’m still a little defensive it seems which I think is a sign telling me that bitterness might be knocking on my door. I don’t want to go back to that anymore. Bitterness has a way of infecting everything around you. And frankly, I am tired of being hateful. I spent too much time angry at the world, and I saw where that path led me.

Repentance isn’t just about turning away from an immoral lifestyle; it’s about turning away from the exhausting need to carry a chip on my shoulder. I am learning to lay down the armor of defensiveness. The Word of Faith movement may distort the Gospel, but the remedy isn’t my anger—it’s a life quietly, purely, and authentically transformed by the real grace of God. That is where the freedom is.