I have a friend whom I’ve been critical of because he sort of has a big ego. I see this in him only because I’ve seen it in myself. And both of us suffer from this for the same reason, namely the sort of attention that we’ve been recieving.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I hadn’t communicated with this friend for nearly 25 years until we recently began talking again. It turns out that many influential figures were trying to groom us into being adversaries. I guess the narrative they eventually want to tell is that I started out trying to be the good guy but ended up being the bad guy, while he started very notorious but has earned a decent reputation in his circle–a reputation he often brags about. They want to contrast us to embarrass me, but the only thing they’ve really done is try to inflate our egos. It all amounts to a tortious conspiracy to interfere in a relationship. I will do nothing to further my friend or anyone else from feeding into this narrative just so that they can gloat over it, which I’m sure they will do anyway. This means not establishing any sort of fiduciary relationship with him, and no one in their right mind should expect me to do this. He will be fine and will have plenty of money. If you think he deserves a lot more money, then you can give it to him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For nearly 25 years, I’ve had all sorts of attention on me from the media, political figures, and even Hollywood. Even though no one mentions my name, they are referring to me through their comments and stories. My friend experiences this too. Actually, one person was crazy enough to mention my name, and it was weird because the only people who could’ve known what she was talking about were mostly the insiders in Hollywood and the media who know what’s going on. Appearing on Jimmy Kimmel’s late-night show with Shaq as the guest host, she said, “And how old is Van Jordan now?” I’m not really even sure what that meant, but they both laughed without explaining who Van Jordan was or what they were talking about. It was just that one sentence out of the blue, having nothing to do with anything being discussed that night. I saw the video on YouTube, and when I went to search for it a while later, this one sentence was intentionally edited out. One day these people will be able to say all this negative stuff out loud. How they long for that day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’ve had to fight this ensuing pride with everything I have and constantly ask God to rid me of it. I do this because I’m a Christian, and the Bible always tries to steer us toward humility, turning pride into a destructive vice that must be avoided at all costs. So all the attention does is cause us to focus on ourselves, which leads to pride. I’ve never really adjusted to all this attention. It seems apparent to me that people were never really built for this sort of notoriety. There are many influential Christians who have noticed this phenomenon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
For instance. mega-church pastor Francis Chan stepped down from ministry because all the attention fed an illusion of self-importance that the human vessel was never designed to hold. He says, “It\u2019s pride, plain and simple, that keeps me from giving God all the glory and keeping some of it for myself. It is a battle we all fight in some form or another… We have created human-centered churches by catering to the worshippers rather than the Object of our worship.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I finally thought, ‘I think I’m causing more problems than I’m helping.’ … We built the church around a speaking gift and a sermon. Am I part of the problem?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The late Tim Keller, an influential pastor and author, also describes this: “The human heart is an idol factory\u2026 If you center your life on applause or public affirmation, it will eventually destroy you because you are expecting human attention to give you a sense of identity that only God can supply.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And finally, Grammy-Winning Singer Lauren Daigle talked about this when she said: “The human heart was not built for notoriety. Ground your worth in something deeper, wider, and stronger than any of the things God gives you to do \u2014 grounded in His love for you.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
What’s even more problematic for my friend and me is that we haven’t really done anything to deserve all this attention, so the pride is more conspicuous. But I’ve noticed that some influential people don’t deal with their pride, and it’s not obvious to other people because they’ve learned how to hide it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’m very aware of this pride within myself, and I’ll probably continue fighting it until the day I die since I’m a Christian and am constantly convicted of it. Those who aren’t Christians have a more difficult time being grounded since almost nothing is warning them of the dangers of pride. When you’ve been living the Truman Show, it seems like the entire world revolves around you. And I’ve received attention from all sorts of influential people, including every President since Bill Clinton, because of this eavesdropping that has turned my life into a show.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So now I’m part of something way bigger than myself since I’m the center of the biggest lawsuit anyone has ever seen, probably resulting in the largest settlement for any person in US history, which is will be turned into a scandal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And I don’t like the attention for what I fear it can do to me. So I try not to do anything to garner any attention, even though people try to encourage me to use my gift to preach or do other things like start a YouTube channel. I do run this blog, but it is only read by people who already know who I am. While it’s a relatively small audience, it’s full of influential people. But again, I do nothing to promote this blog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The ultimate complication in all of this is my calling to preach, which people tell me I should exercise, but that just puts me in the position for an even greater fall when this thing goes public. People often tell me I have a talent for preaching, but receiving praise for speaking about God creates a dangerous paradox. It\u2019s easy for the vessel to mistake the message’s glory for its own brilliance. The validation creates a dangerous tension. How do you faithfully use a public gift without feeding the exact pride you’re praying to destroy? I certainly haven’t figured this out. When the microphone naturally amplifies the speaker as much as the message, trying to stay in obscurity feels like the only safe way to protect my heart.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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